Oh dear dear dear, what did I do to deserve this? I’m a good person, I follow the rules, I buy my mother flowers when it’s not her birthday, I make my bed in the morning … and yet after quite enjoying the original GI Joe movie (yeah, I was surprised too), I stumbled out of Retaliation with brain matter dribbling out of my ears and a sense of despair that the universe had allowed the last two hours to happen.
I’ll happily see a brainless action movie, quite often the entertainment value comes from grappling with ridiculous things that happen in the plot. But it’s a fine line between hilarious and awful, and GI Joe heroically jumps over that line.
After the first plot twist came – it took me a good hour to conclusively say that it happened, they were vague enough to make me think it was a fake-out – I realised I had been trapped. It turns out Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson hadn’t been in the first film, nor had the majority of the cast. I was watching one of those shitty sequels that the original cast with any future prospects had distanced themselves from. Jonathan Pryce should be ashamed of himself! Ugh. Continue reading