Film: “The Lego Movie” (2014)

If you thought a Lego movie sounded like a bad idea, and the trailer only confirmed those doubts, then trust your instincts and avoid this. Book adaptations have mixed results, films based on video games far worse, those based on playthings are even more doomed – so how about a film based on plastic blocks?

Oh but it’s LEGO! YAY LEGO! I think that was the central thought behind the green-lighting, writing and critical praise of this movie. It’s got something ludicrous like 96% on Rottentomatoes, with the first review I saw being someone proclaiming it to be the best film of all time. Well, I thought I should try it out. After all, in my experience my low expectations usually get proven wrong and I enjoy films more than I think I will.

Not here. It’s little more than a seizure-inducing blizzard of bright colours doing its best to distract from a story so thin and flaky it could have been written on an Etch-a-sketch (movie coming Summer 2016). IMAGINATION GOOD, CONFORMING BAD is the stick chosen to beat us over the head during the course of the feature-length advert.

I presume the closing act in which we find out where the basic “take the magic thing to the baddy and stop him” plot is concocted in imagination of a child instead of the actual plot (written by a highly-paid manchild) is an explanation to why it felt so cobbled together, with plot devices popping up all over the place and convenient times, with a knowing wink to the audience, as if to say “LOL! Isn’t this stupid?”.

For a film extolling the virtues of imagination, it really doesn’t practice what it preaches. From the generic as hell plot to the visual gags pinched straight from “The Simpsons” and about a million other places, it didn’t feel like a brave step forward. Really its message was about what I suppose Lego is about – recycling. Recycling jokes, plots, basically putting something self-consciously random together from stuff someone else has already made.

Just NO. I get that I’m a minority here, clearly. I’m not getting all het up for the sake of being contrary, I didn’t hate it, but what a waste of 100 minutes on this charmless piece of Rot. Fuck you Lego, fuck you Denmark, and fuck you, Warner Brothers.

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