Letting go

Bit of a short one, I’m not really here today. When this gets posted, I would have been up since 5.45 to run a job on my work’s virtual desktop system, driven to work – picking up my work-friend en route – for 7am and been busily preparing the delivery of the big project at 12.00 to thousands of people around the world. Not going to say much more about that, only that it’s pretty stressful and it all has to be right.

Except it’s not just about getting the job done, it’s possibly the last time I’ll ever do this project, having done it 6 times a year for just over 6 years. It’s also the last time for my work-friend (that sounds so impersonal, he’s my friend but we work together too). Today’s his last day before he moves to a different department. It’s still on my floor but it’ll be a big void in my working life either way. Hopefully that void won’t be filled by me having to do all his work.

I’ve talked about it before – last time we delivered this project, he told us he was leaving. I guess I didn’t take it as well as I could have. I mean outwardly I was fine but I guess it was a day I had always been dreading, and here it was suddenly on a day that had already left me totally drained.

It’s not so much the work that’s bothering me (though that is), it’s more the worry that my friend is moving on, and in doing so will move out of my life completely. He’s a difficult person to spend time with, he’s good at making excuses not to do things and justifying how his decisions are out of his hands, however irrationally. So I’m just worried this is it.

A bit rich coming from me considering my plans for 2014, but at least I know I’m mindful of trying not to drift away from my friends out of apathy. I’m not sure he is. I’m just an insecure person, and though I’d hoped this would be less apparent as I got older, it’s still a strong enough feeling to devote a lot of energy to it.

I feel conscious of airing my feelings too much about all this, especially knowing a fair few people I know who might read this. I just don’t want to be on my own, and yet I’ve found myself in a situation where the people I spend the most time with (i.e. at work and home) seem to be quite distant. It’s just different personalities I suppose, and I’m never going to get back what I put in for the cause of making a BFF. Maybe I should get a cat or something.

I don’t know where I’m going with this, but I need to get it out. Maybe I should start another blog and not tell you lot about it. Either way, I’m getting drunk tonight. It won’t help in the long-term, or probably even the short-term, but it’s happening anyway.

In the meantime, ignore my gloom and listen to this instead.

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