After becoming a fully-fledged Eurovision loon during/after the 2009 contest in Moscow, I decided to revisit older Eurovisions to see what I missed. I’ve got back as far as 2005 now – I will post the later ones in due course but I’ve just finished with Ukraine’s first Eurovision and I wanted to let you see. So here we go!
39. Kaffe – Lorraine (Bulgaria )
Did not qualify, #19 in the Semi-Final
Well someone has to get the wooden spoon, and this time it goes to perenially hopeless Bulgaria, with one of their many non-qualifying entries. Insanely this was accused of plagiarism, but Christ knows why someone would rip off such an insipid song.
It’s not offensively bad, but that chorus is just dismal. “I’m calling you AGAIN and AGAIN, I can still remember LORRAINE in the RAIN”. His voice is alright but really much more than a reasonable amateur.
I guess it’s a nice sign that the worst song of the contest (IMO) isn’t really THAT bad in the grand scheme of things.
38. Geir Rönning – Why? (Finland )
Did not qualify, #18 in the Semi-Final
Was in two minds whether to make this the worst song, and it seems Europe had similar thoughts, with this scoring just one point more than Bulgaria.
Really weirdly styled too, really not age-appropriate. Lots of power-ballad energy going on here, and in fairness there are some rather serviceable moments. The bridges for example, though they lead to rather dull WAHHH choruses.
A nice enough middle-eight too. There’s a good song in here somewhere, he’s got a pretty good voice too, but something just falls flat for me. TELL ME WHAAAYYY??
37. Jakob Sveistrup – Talking to You (Denmark )
#9 in the Grand Final
Denmark really seem to be hit and miss for me, having produced some really good tracks in the past, but some real MOR turds like this one. In ugly shirts too.
Again he’s not a bad singer, but this song is just such cod-reggae awfulness. He looks a bit like the rubbish guy from Jemini too, which is not a good look. How on earth this managed to come in the top 10 is a mystery, but there he was. NAFF.
36. Wig Wam – In My Dreams (Norway )
#9 in the Grand Final
Ugh… not a typo sadly, this also came 9th (along with Denmark). A full-on hair rock nightmare now, a year before Lordi suited up, perhaps the signs were there that rock was still a going concern at Eurovision.
But for now we have to deal with some ker-azy Norwegians doing their best Bon Jovi impressions in some real ugly outfits. The lead singer in particular just looks like a sad old line manager from an office indulging in his passion for naff 80s rock music for the office Christmas party.
OK so his voice just about suits the song, and he can hit those big notes, I just wish he WOULDN’T
35. Gracia Baur – Run & Hide (Germany )
#24 in the Grand Final
First of the big four out now, and Deutschland’s effort is reasonable enough, but that vocal hook really does my head in. Rocky with some spazzy synths and more than a passing resemblance to 4 Non Blondes.
It’s just so repetitive, I’m so tired of that HI-III-IIIDE noise throughout the choruses, and the verses aren’t really up to much. It’s a reasonable effort but this flopped on the night, and kicked off an unbeatably bad night for the Big Four, with all four of them at the bottom of the table.
34. Ivan and Delfin – Czarna dziewczyna (Poland )
Did not qualify, #11 in the Semi-Final
Oh what the fuck? Who knew Poland had this sort of business going on? LAIIIII LAI LAI LAI LAIIII. A bewildering assualt of frilly dresses, a guy who looks like Chris de Burgh in a woman’s dressing gown, and some insane accordian work on a little music-box that looks like it came from an Early Learning Centre.
It’s got an incredible energy to it, which I am more than happy to cite as distracting enough to make me really quite enjoy this. Somebody needs to switch these guys to decaf though.
33. Natalia Podolskaya – Nobody Hurt No One (Russia )
#15 in the Grand Final
I’m thinking maybe I prefer Poland to this now, but whatever. I love the miserable feel to this, another rocky track. The vocals are a bit OFF in places, but she’s got a decent presence onstage. I like the backing singer singing the echoey bits.
Showing a decent amount of cleavage to distract from the pretty forgettable chorus. OK this gets to be a bit of a mess vocally towards the end, but it’s not a bad effort.
32. Boris Novković & Lado Members – Vukovi umiru sami (Croatia )
#11 in the Grand Final
Hear that siren? It’s the Balkan Ballad alarm. Or is it a hurdy-gurdy or something? Either way, this is NOT A DRILL. Time for another proud Balkan man with a typically Eastern-European haircut to emote his way through more inspirational drudge.
His performance didn’t really help his cause on my countdown (though somewhat inevitably he made #11 in the final). It’s a decent song despite his ropey vocals, and that hopelessly out-of-place-looking bongo player even does an unexplained handstand to give the song’s flat climax a sense of OCCASION.
It’s got quite a nice swaying rhythm to it, very old-fashioned, but it’s not bad and those Balkan girls like to party like nobody on the backing vocals, offsetting the main guys vocals quite nicely. I’ve heard worse.
31. Lise Darly – Tout de moi (Monaco )
Did not qualify, #24 in the Semi-Final
Oh I really quite like this one after seeing the performance. What was a pretty limp but pleasant Disney ballad on record is turned into the most beautiful 3 minutes of this contest you would have missed when you went to the toilet.
Unfortunately Lise had plenty of time for toilet breaks after this crashed and burned in the semi-final. The song is a bit boring, and Monaco doesn’t exactly have much in the way of migrant worker diaspora in other countries. That said, it didn’t hold Malta back this year, and Monaco have amazingly managed to win the contest once before. I hope they come back one day.
That glory note for the key change was really well played, and it’s a shame she wasn’t rewarded by the voters outside France and Andorra (and curiously Moldova).